Feeling alone and lost? How to cope with your fears of abandonment and have better relationships. Its a stressful time for families when a member has been diagnosed with BPD, but there is help and hope. Your First Session. How I Work. Session Times and Costs. How to Find Me. Recovery for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Teen Counselling. Narcissistic Abuse Recovery.
Trauma Therapy. HSP Counselling. Art Therapy. Psychotherapy for BPD. Private practice coaching for social workers. They have BPD. Its not the end of the world! You may have heard something about devaluation. These early templates for relationship stay with us. Psychotherapy for BPD If you have BPD, the only real solution to this problem is to develop a strong, therapeutic relationship in psychotherapy. If you are worried about yourself or someone you love schedule a free call here.
They may then demand to spend an exorbitant amount of time together and share the most intimate and personal details early on in their relationships. This may lead to them often feeling like their needs are not being met due to the intrusive and over-indulgent attention seeking behaviors they sometimes exhibit. This can lead to sudden shifts in personality and the manner in which individuals with BPD view others.
These shifts are often interpreted as disappointment and rejection of caregivers whose encouragement had once been idealized and now whose rejection and abandonment is anticipated. People with BPD have a tendency to view themselves and their world in black and white terms. They often worry about alienating and losing friends and relationships. This can lead to risky behavior such as sexually acting out, drug abuse, binge eating, and having difficulty managing finances.
Sarcastic tone of voice. Slamming of objects on surfaces. Clenched fists. Walking out on you. Slamming a door. Cold staring. Giving you a cold shoulder. Ridiculing tone of voice. Ridiculing gestures. Ridiculing choice of words. Speaking with clenched teeth. Speaking with hands on hips.
Foot stomping. Technique No. The second level of devaluation is a little more extreme than the expression of anger which only suggests you are an unworthy partner. Direct verbal devaluation tells you in no uncertain words that you are a loser, a bum, an idiot, or worse. But before we move on to the technique you will use to disarm direct verbal devaluation we are going to take some time to learn about a few concepts that can be very useful to know about when disarming this behavior pattern.
One of the most important understandings that applies to both those who bully and those who devalue is the fact that nothing a bully tells their victim they deserve to be punished for could ever be considered a punishable offense. The tactic that all bullies use on their victims is to pretend the victim is a morally bad person that everyone should punish because they are not competent at something.
In reality, competence never has anything to do with morality or ethics. We have no laws that allow people to be punished for not being good at something. Being bad at something is never in itself a moral or ethical slip.
There is absolutely no connection at all between being a bad person and our levels of competency. A bully is a contradiction in action. While they are trying to convince their victims that their deficiencies make them immoral people that should be punished, it is actually they themselves that are behaving in an immoral and punishable way by trying to hurt an innocent person.
Trying to hurt innocent people is considered immoral and unethical in almost all cultures and thereby very punishable.
It is really the bully who is behaving in a punishable way. But amazingly enough, bullies somehow manage to convince their victims and often those people around them that not being good at something is a punishable offense. You are now going to learn how to use your awareness of this flaw of the tactic used by every bully or person who devalues to disarm direct verbal devaluation. Maybe she tells you that you added some numbers wrong when working on the family budget which clearly proves that you are a failure at finances.
The technique you will be using to disarm her is very simple. To do it we are going to use a version of the sentence you used to disarm the first level of devaluation.
Regardless of whether she is telling the truth about your deficiency or if she is completely fabricating her story, you can simply use this phrase:.
You will be filling in the blank with whatever she is accusing you of not being good at like this:. Using your knowledge of bullying you will be aware that she is trying to make you feel like a bad person for not being good at something. Try as she might she will not be able to tell you why not being good at something makes you a bad person.
She will find herself at a loss for words and will have to back out of the situation. Although this may look like another slight, it is actually an appropriate reframing of what she said earlier. She should not devalue over making a mistake. But she is well within her rights to tell you that you should try to get better. Both of these techniques force the person devaluing to rephrase their concern in the way that they should have in the first place.
For this reason as soon as she reframes her original complaint your goal will have been accomplished and you can drop the subject. But in reality, being afraid has absolutely nothing to do with morals or ethics. There is no possible way your partner will be able to tell you what was bad about your behavior. Whether or not her observation is accurate or a figment of her imagination, you can respond to her like this:.
Not being a good dresser cannot make one a bad person no matter how you stretch the facts. Because she is no longer devaluing you, you can drop the subject. Although you may never get an apology for her immoral and unethical attempts to make you feel like a bad person, if you consistently and in a non-confrontational way point her to this flaw, her inner protection system will give up on trying to influence her to devalue you.
Although the sentence for the first level of devaluation can simply be memorized and recited word for word, the second phase is more complex and you will need some time to think about how you want to word it.
Luckily, because partners who devalue bring your attention to the same deficiencies over and over again, you will be able to make up your sentences in advance based on what your partner has devalued you about in the past.
For your reference here is a list of common deficiencies that women with traits of BPD often use to try to devalue their romantic partners along with the phrase that will disarm the devaluation. You will see that in some cases we will be using minor variations of the phrase to make the sentence sound more natural. You will only be pointing out the flaw in her reasoning. All you need to do to put this technique in place is to think back to what area above your partner most commonly devalues you about and learn the sentence.
Then you can simply recite it when she devalues you about that issue. You may have to learn two or three of these phrases depending on what areas your partner likes to make you feel worthless about. If you choose to make up your own phases instead of choosing the ones above, be sure to not use derogatory words which she then can use against you. Use a more formal word. Both of the techniques you have learned when used consistently will break your partner of her devaluation habit without the need for confrontation of any kind.
How To Stop Defensive Behaviors. Defense Mechanisms Triggered By Humiliation. Your questions, opinions and personal stories form an invaluable contribution to this important discussion. If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need. If you want to try out some of the basic techniques of this method for free to see if this method is right for your situation, you can learn them from an intro guide flip-book here or a PDF version of the intro guide here.
I would give everything I own and everything I have worked for over the last 40 years if I could only have known about this while I was in my relationship. I am sure my ex and I could have made it,she would have had the life she deserves and I would not be in so much pain having lost her. Is it correct? Second, according to Joanna, BPD woman looks for a partner who will take care of all her emotional needs so she can feel secure in her relationship.
Third, I have been with my GF for 4 years and her initial romantic idealization has certainly passed. One year ago she clearly had a very strong devaluation, became very cold and we almost broke up.
Then, we got close again, although not as much as at the beginning, 4 years ago. So I am wondering if it is a true idealization stage now? Or my GF is just consciously faking it to use me?
Am I correct? Ron, in response to your first question, the way I define nice guy is as a set of personality traits that many men and women may have that motivate a person to give freely to others in order to obtain the pleasure of connection. These are people who enjoy closeness and who lack the natural fear of intimacy that most people possess. The only downside is a susceptibility to codependence or what you may be describing as a soft-guy tendency to not be able to protect their own interests.
But this cluster of personality traits itself would be seen as asset, not a liability. In answer to your second comment, the set of personality traits that a woman with BPD possesses do, as you say, often make her go beyond wanting her partner to take care of only emotional needs, particularly in countries where narcissistic behavior among women is common. Because BPD behaviors can be observed on a spectrum, your girlfriend may not have as strong a presentation of these behavior patterns.
In answer to your third comment, I agree that a person who is on the extreme end of this spectrum would probably have fear of abandonment so severe that it would most likely cause them to use toxic behaviors towards anyone who enters into an intimate type of relationship with them. This last time it was from me trying to set boundaries of my own by telling her the only thing I want from her is a clean slate and an open mind.
She always comes back vulnerable and saying all the right things but wanting to only be friends yet still emotionally needy. I was critical of them, hence me bring overtly jealous I guess?
What you may experience as her irrationality is her defense mechanisms at work. In order to get through to her you would need to get behind them. Direct communication does not work when defense mechanisms are in place. I teach partners of women with traits of BPD language that gets through these defenses, but without a relationship contract of some kind in place, these methods cannot be used. It can be helpful to remember that all of the behaviors that you see as destructive, harmful or even just unnecessary are very specifically being used by her to cope with her unresolved issues.
These negative behavior patterns are what allows her to navigate normally in the world. If she were to let go of them as you may be suggesting, she would not be able to behave in a normal or functional way.
Perhaps instead of urging her to change her behavior patterns, you may be able to alert her exes to some resources on traits of BPD that can help them put up the boundaries they need to protect themselves from her negative behavior.
First off, LOVE what you are doing and all the information. Why would defending myself not be wise? She hooked up with another guy for a month that ended up being abusive. She came right back to me, and of course I have a hard time not thinking about her, so I told her we could still see each other but not date exclusively.
Now I want to get more exclusive and maybe even marry her. I go over to her house every night. My main concern is that I may be improperly calling her BPD when she may just be a little left of normal. She is is quick to sleep with a guy she first meets and talk marriage but seems loyal once she is with someone.
Am I being too judgmental? Bill, let me address the first question initially. Her explanation will fall flat and she will start to look foolish and will drop the subject. I know six months ago you raved over how good I was at intimacy.
I had no idea I had changed. That would be a completely non-confrontational way to defend yourself. On to your second question. There is no way to know whether she has the actual disorder, and many women engage in these behaviors in their romantic relationships who would not qualify for the diagnosis.
To qualify she would have to be completely dysfunctional in her everyday life. The pain levels for women who qualify are very severe, and there are usually extremely self-destructive behaviors involved including self-harm, suicide ideation and chemical addiction. But before you commit to any kind of serious relationship with her you would need to find out what that comment about what she had to go through meant.
Also be aware that women with traits of BPD often accuse their former partners of abuse which could mean you are in line to be the next falsely accused.
So I actually think you may not be being judgmental enough. These kinds of behaviors generally get worse over time, particularly after marriage, so please be aware that even if she is not diagnosable you are taking a real risk. BPD women only get worse with time. So these trick phrases only work for so long before she gets wise to it.
Ha… You spotted that too. However, the rest of what he said has some merit. I did it with my Borderline and it pretty much stopped the verbal devaluation. The issue then became the non-verbal devaluation… so I had to learn to watch carefully when she was doing it. If she said nothing, I said nothing. Now we are working on the other eight of the nine characteristic behaviors of a Borderline. She has the list but can rarely recognize when she doing any of them. You guys clearly do not understand BPD if you could say that.
Nor do you care about your partners feelings. Emotional pain to a BPD person is much more severe than to a Non. You also completely miss the point that when she is devaluing you she is doing out of her own self hatred.
She is pushing you away because you feel unworthy of love and affection, and all you did with your response is confirm that to her. You should be ashamed of yourselves, but I have a feeling you are too arrogant to feel shame. Meaning she turned inward with her self hate. Nicola, firstly I want to thank you for your informative and intelligent words. When I first met her she was 18 years old and yes very beautiful, but what struck me was her incredible and genuine care and compassion for my father and indeed all the elderly people she looked after, she, in that environment was and still is a true Angel!
As there was a huge age difference 37 years I was initially not even considering asking her out, eventually I did and she accepted, I might say to my amazement! She says the other guys were only for sex and meant nothing to her, and she had only been with them once!
She wears this like a badge of honour which I continue to find odd and as I said hurtful! On the other hand though, she is unbelievably critical and jealous of my previous relationships because Ive said that I at that time was in love with that person…. Go figure?! I really am stuck , if I leave I loose her , if I stay I am at risk of loosing myself…. Thanks again for your insight into this affliction. Tony, if the only reason you are not leaving this woman is that you are afraid of what will become of her, you may be experiencing some codependent tendencies.
The behaviors your girlfriend is engaging in are unhealthy defense mechanisms that she uses to cope with her uncomfortable feelings. She is using them in the same way that an alcoholic or a drug addict uses chemicals, but in this situation you are the source of her supply. Leaving a relationship with someone who uses destructive addictive behaviors is a healthy choice.
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